against. my silhouette

i feel like there is no motive for me to carry on my life anymore. i know when i say out this sentence in real life to a person, he/she will confirm think that i am thinking on a negative side, e.g ending my life. let me put it in this way, i might look fine, strong, comfortable for what has happened all along but reali, at times i am so confused and lost in what ever i am doing. i find myself to stare blank, talk rubbish, stuff myself wif food, being forgetful, lost sleep more & more often. i reali dunoe what i am saying now, i dunoe, reali dunoe.

elias park primary school, 6e's(1997) gathering:
a dinner @ suntec was arranged by huiling on last sat(17/07), but i didn't turn up. instead, i meetup wif them when they came back to pasir ris. cynthia, yifen, jingquan, jianda, kelvin lee, tinghui, timothy, yuefai, huiling n her sis were inside mac waiting for me. a few still look d same, while some reali changed. my crush look quite different from d past. huiling told me tat chianghui, andy, grace, jacquline oso attended d dinner. i didn't talk much, maybe bcos i didn't attend d dinner, thus not able to get into d situation. or maybe dey dun haf any questions for me. i dunoe. i find most of dem, or rather all of dem r so simple, like wat dey were back in tos days at elias park. i misses all of dem so badly but when i get to c dem, i juz dun seem to fit in at all. maybe its time for me to let go all tos tings tat i haf been holding on all tis yrs. juz let go and leave, leave, leave.....

post-dad's funeral:
everytings seem to take place n happen so fast, 20 days since my dad left me. so mani tings to handle during the funeral. n rite now, tere r still countless no. of tings to settle, but i dunoe how am i going to get dem done one by one. i haf lots to say but cun express it out thru here. anyway, reali 10s 4 all d concern pouring in for me n my family during tis period of time. reali appreciate.

temasek poly:
i quit tp b4 my dad passed away. now, i dunoe wat is going to be my next step in my indivdual personal life. w/o a defer frm poly, ns will come haunt me earliest by dec 04. i want to study, but can i go back at tis point of time? do i reali want to continue my final yr in infocomm? can i take up design course instead n spend another 3 yrs in poly? i dunoe, i cun find a solution to all tis.
i drop by at tp's tcc bus stop on last thurs evening(15/07) during my peers' "home sweet home" time, it was a sudden visit. saw jintong, weixiong, nicole, xueying, reuben, arnold, jingneng, miaozhen, meilian, claire n weerapong. me strolled down to the main gate bus stop wif nicole, tok a bit abt each other's well being. me see her up d bus n went off to find my mum across d hdb estate.

read a few friends' blogs, found dem to be living fine n well. guess, even if tere is no me around in tis world, nothing will change or be affected, except my family members for being sad. so mani tings are messed up in my mind, but none seem to be able to solve or done. i like to sleep. by not waking up, i could hide from all. no, i am not a coward, i am not trying to run away from reality, but i reali could not find any better way to ease the situation i am in. so, i choose to sleep. please, dun laugh or blame me. i reali dunoe.